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Untied Condoms, Unappreciated Recourses, Unfinished Business

by Emily Bader, guest writer

There really is nothing like opening a trash bag at eight in the morning of what smells of old strawberry yogurt and finding a solid layer of someone’s semen coating the trash which my hand is about to grapple. This, I hate to say, is not an unusual find.

Here at Warren Wilson we uphold ourselves with the idea that we value the resources we are given on earth. Those who work at the Recycling Center, however, are becoming quite perplexed with other members here at this institution. Are the people of Warren Wilson complete hippie-crits or can they really just not understand the difference between recyclable paper and a moldy condom? Knowing that most of us have at least that of an average IQ, I would like the make an audacious statement in saying that Warren Wilson is chock-full with hippie-crits.

What is a hippie-crit, you ask? A term that has been used for over four decades now to describe a sect of the human race that preaches about peace and harmony forever and then throws away 17 packs of Newports stuffed inside a perfectly recyclable milk carton. Don’t smoke Newports? This does not exclude you from this irksome division of humans. You see, the recycling and compost bins have been made so accessible to us across campus that it is nearly impossible not to recycle what is meant to be recycled! And yet, I find myself pulling out numerous Rolling Rocks and last semester’s homework out of trash bags.

Here are some far forgotten answers to questions that seem to be floating around campus. Yes, we do rip open and sort every bag of trash. No, this does not mean that it is okay to then put recyclables in the trash. Yes, we do look at the names on envelopes and pill boxes and homework and we will find you. No, I do, in fact, have a very weak stomach and gag every time I find untied condoms. Yes, it makes you a bad person if you don’t recycle.

I hope this has cleared things up a little. If we take time to consider what we waste, every empty Naked© bottle at a time, I am certain that together we can conquer this ghastly scourge of hippie-crits infesting our shapely campus.


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