Alec Hamilton, guest writer
Aries – This is your time of year! Your birthday is coming up (or just past), spring is on its way, the butterflies are singing, the birds are chirping, and you are just about to complete the most epic aerial dougan of your college career. Consider creating a short film or documentary.
Taurus – Taurus the Bull! Your love runs deep and true. The green pastures shine like electric eels in a neon Rolling Rock advertisement. But don’t forget the majesty of your own electric pastures. See how many different meadows you can copulate in during the month of April.
Gemini – You are twin social butterflies tied together with an almost invisible piece of fishing line. The pair of you paint abstract images on the space-time continuum. This can be emotionally and physically confusing, but I can tell you with confidence that you are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing, and have been all day. Keep the path clear. Also, Gemini cusps might want to pursue a love affair with a Libra-Scorpio.
Cancer – Luckily, you are still the moon child. The universe believes in you, Cancer the Crab. Those dreamy eyes are going to take you to places that you barely imagined going before. Just remember, water is your element, and rain is afraid of yellow.
Leo – Leo, I like your style. You generally don’t need advice, but check this out, I’m going to give you some anyway…. Here are some things to keep in mind throughout the coming months. The sun is coming out just for you Meditation will improve your love life. It’s all about breathing Also, it is far more important to spend time laughing with your friends than it is to possess a gigantic jewel-encrusted octopus. Luckily, you won’t have to decide between the two.
Virgo – Soon you will either be greeted by the fulfillment of your wildest sex fantasy, or a moderately pleasurable outing.
Libra – In time you will row your cute little boat to a tranquil bay on the glassy lake of illusion. Even if you are somewhat drunk or otherwise inebriated, you would do well to pursue physical activities that require a slightly above average sense of balance. If you think this is unsafe, just wear a helmet and some elbow pads. Also, any decision that you need to make in the next month can be reliably settled with a game of rock-paper-scissors or dolphin-canary-gnarwhal.
Scorpio – Scorpio, I’m really sorry that I killed that Scorpion that one time when I was on safari in Botswana. It was so many years ago, but the current astrological significance is uncanny. It would be wise of you to spend some time playing “Who’s got the Whiskey” in a cow pasture, in the middle of the night, under a starlit sky, with a blazing fire warming your solar plexus. If you have already done this, good job. I envision some role-playing in your sexual future.
Sagittarius – Half-man, half-beast… Sagittarius, you so crazy! But hey, check this out, the spring time will bring visual and intellectual changes to your life. The moon is coming your way, watch it closely and howl if it is necessary. Transitions in your love life may give you the illusion that you are wading through a pool of yerba mate carrying a bundle of armadillos, but this feeling will pass with time. I know you’re skeptical, but remember this…“Those who believe they can, and those who believe they can’t, are both right.”
Capricorn – It’s funny to see you here again Capricorn, but you are a persistent little goat aren’t you? Luckily, you have it all figured out. It’s about love. You will find yourself playing a new role, or experiencing a new perspective. Move forward with open eyes and an open mind. Lighthouses rule.
Aquarius – As usual, you know exactly which way you should go, you are just waiting for the world to catch up. SPEAK YOUR MIND. After all, you are Aquarius, the Water Bearer, bring the world your knowledge so that they too may suckle from the teat of the Divine Mother. If they don’t understand this, convince them with surrealist artwork and obscure sexual innuendos.
Pisces – You’re still a beautiful little dreamer fish. Tell me your dreams with a smile and let me swim in the ocean that is your eyes. I know little fish, you want stories and romance and passionate love by the fire. I think that’s cool. Follow your bliss.