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Horoscopes (September 19- October 2)

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Someone will inform you that your tendency to blame others for your problems is a common personality trait in Virgos. Tell them their tendency to be a jerk is a common personality trait in assholes.

Libra (September 23- October 23)

While you’d never admit it to your friends, you can’t help but think that maybe we’d be better off without polar bears.

Scorpio (October 24- November 21)

You will cause an uncomfortable silence at a community meeting concerning local food when you wonder aloud if eating locally applies to cannibalism.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

Skipping mandatory OSHA safety meetings is all fun and games until you contract a blood-borne pathogen.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

Your homemade menstrual pads will prove more successful than your homemade condoms. Unfortunately, they won’t be necessary for nine months or so

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

You will slap yourself for poor foresight when you and your friends in Food Not Bombs suddenly find yourselves in desperate need of explosives.

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

Cow Pie will be out of cups. Again.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your decision to underestimate the power of a small group of committed people to change the world will be validated when they make only marginal gains.

Taurus (April 20- May20)

You will discover that you are actually the only person who likes bluegrass. Everyone else has just been screwing with you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Faced with high gas prices, environmental degradation, economic turmoil both at home and abroad, and political instability in the Middle East, you will respond by getting high and playing Frisbee.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Your horoscope will not come true this week.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

Someone will attempt to puke out of your  window this Friday. Oh wait, that happened last weekend. Seriously guys, could whoever puked all over my screen come clean it up?

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